To Nurse or Not To Nurse...That is the question

Today at one of the MANY feedings for Grace. Like my
daughters' newly painted nails? They look so nice
in real life. Plus, it's something bright for Gracie to look at! 

 I tell you that nursing has never been such a headache. I've nursed 8 other children without really any problems besides the normal sores in the beginning and occasional Mastitis infection. Grace, like in everything else, has changed everything. Since she arrived very early and pumping became the only form of stocking up on the milk she wasn't eating, it seemed futile to nurse. Has anyone ever experienced pump burnout? After about 3 weeks I did but I kept pumping away in the hopes of someday being able to nurse my baby, just like all my other babies. Now we are nearly 5 months later and I'm losing the battle. It's better to lose the battle and not the war, right?

Grace's medical food formula ($98 bucks a can!), and 3 of the kinds
of bottles she uses.

 Something happens though with preemies, lazy nursers. First because of being too little and getting tuckered out, then later (if the bottle keeps getting used) they only open their mouths the size of a tiny bottle nipple. Sucking the nipple into her mouth out of laziness is not an ideal or comfortable way to nurse. Then she got Thrush. Thrush is a nasty yeast infection in the mouth. This is supposed to go away after about a week of being on oral Nystatin. It didn't go away for Grace. She STILL has this white coating in her mouth in various areas. I'm thinking it keeps coming back because of the level of sugar in her medical food. We are now going on to the 8th week of dealing with this bouncing back and forth. I've been pumping the whole time but now I'm just tuckered out.

No matter how much I try to make
this pump look nice, it doesn't bring me
warm fuzzies!

I hate the pump. I hate the plastic. I hate the time it takes me away from my family. If I nurse her with the Thrush still in her mouth, it eats at my skin and I start bleeding. I did this twice before learning that very hard lesson. I think I'm about done with this battle of trying to up my volume minus the baby influence. I'm fine with not eating the dairy and soy products. I've sacrificed so much time, thrown away so much of my milk from when I was still eating dairy and soy products, dealt with many bloody sores, discouragement from seeing my milk volumes going down, hating to go to my room to pump, not being able to take care of Grace when I'm tethered to the pump, need I go on? I'm walking a fine line of giving up on my dream to nurse her but thinking it might be better to move on and just keep her on the medical food she is currently on. This shouldn't be so confusing to me, but it is. I feel like I'm just giving up, failing. That isn't me. After all we've been through, I want to at least be able to feed her, not by a bottle either. Another trial...